Issue #3
"I HATE GOODBYES"
by Brad Horton
Captain Marvel
Rick Jones
Marlo Chandler
Two months have passed since a band of intergalactic insects tried to take over the world by holding the entire population of Los Angeles hostage. Through the heroic efforts of both Captain Marvel and Rick Jones, the said insects -- the Mig-Na'cha -- were forced to release their prisoners and wander the cosmos for a new home planet without intelligent life. Unfortunately, the Mig-Na'cha, intrigued by the latent power of Jones, infected him with a strange virus. With his psionic power "burnt out," Rick will have no way to combat this disease...
Rick and Marlo stroll down the Hollywood Walk of Fame hand in hand. Rick has his other hand in his pocket and his eyes pointed at the ground. Although, he isn't paying attention to the famous handles.
"You know, someday," Marlo begins, "we'll both have our own stars that people can walk on."
Rick chuckles with about as much enthusiasm as a guy in the middle of a protest run by feminists. "I'll be dead before I get a movie offer..."
"Now, come on, don't say that, honey."
"It's true. Mar-Vell said I'm going to die in almost the same way he did. Might as well start picking a new, better husband. Who's Ben Affleck seeing these days?"
"Ben Who-fleck? Rick, I'm not going to give up on you. You're still alive."
"Why not just take Genis? He's big and strong. He has a crush on you already."
"What?!"
Rick points to his temple, "He and I are in constant psi-link, remember?"
Marlo peers to her side, Lorraine is hovering next to her. She clears her throat. "Um...yeah. I don't think he and I would mesh together. Genis is a nice guy and all, but he'd always be fighting evil and I'd be stuck raising the kids...oh! Not that...that's what our marriage will turn out to be like in 10 years..."
Rick sighs heavily, "Let's face it, Marlo, we're pretty much broke. I don't have any money left in the bank after we paid for a new apartment and new stuff. And you still haven't gotten your paycheck for the Monster Books movie..."
"Hey, it's cool. Don't worry, it's the 21st century. It's okay for the woman to support the couple financially. No one thinks of you as less of a man."
"Yeah? How come I do? I can't help it, Marlo...I need a sense of control. My life's been so hectic and outrageous...I want some time off living a normal life for once. I'm the only idiot who has 'superhero sidekick' listed on his résumé. People think I have Trekkie-syndrome or something."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, honey--"
"IT IS TO ME!" Rick shouts, fighting back tears. "I...I have to be alone..."
"Men," Lorraine snorts. "They're all the same. They don't want women to see them cry. They always have to be the strong ones."
"Be quiet, Lorraine. Rick's been through a lot of drozit lately," Marlo says.
"Drozit?" Lorraine asks, lighting a cigarette.
"It's some word Captain Marvel says all the time when he's in a jam. It's some alien word that means holy crap or something like that."
"No kiddin'? An alien word?" Lorraine asks sarcastically, blowing smoke from the side of her mouth.
Marlo watches Rick walk into a coffee shop. "I hope Genis can talk to him and try to ease his pain."
"I'm sure he will. Just like I do, huh?" Lorraine says with a little smile.
Marlo smiles affectionately at her ghastly companion. The two have really become friends as of late. "So...," Marlo begins.
"So...," Lorraine echoes.
"Get some bagels?"
"Can't eat. Dead."
"Wanna watch me eat some bagels?"
"Not really, but I don't have any other choice. Let's go."
"What'll it be?" the waitress asks.
Rick peers up from burying his face in his folded arms. "Oh...um...French vanilla cappuccino. Don't be shy with the whipped cream..."
The waitress smiles, "Anything else?"
"Yeah, got any doughnuts?"
"Um...yeah, actually we do. They're over there in the bakery display cases. Just pick out what you want."
"Thanks..." Rick says somberly.
"Is something wrong?" the waitress asks.
"Yeah, I'm incredibly stupid. I'm primo-depressed, and I walk into a friggin' coffee shop."
"Um...?"
"I should be at a bar, is what I'm saying. Binge drinking until I die of alcohol poisoning..."
"Uh...I'll get you your cappuccino right away..." the waitress says nervously as she power walks into the kitchen area to make the drink herself.
"Alright, artery-blockage it is, then..."
"Rick," Genis says. A transparent, yellow-colored head appears in front of Rick. "You can't go torturing yourself like this."
"Watch me."
"But you're not showing any symptoms of this virus thing."
"Is that why I've crapped out blood for the past two days?!" Rick yells.
The rustling and conversation of the coffee shop suddenly stops. Rick is met with weird looks.
"How ya doin'? That's right, I crap out blood, you got a problem?! My wife used to be a pornography star! Anything else? Oh yeah, I accidentally created the Hulk!" Rick yells psychotically. "I have goddamn Scooby-Doo's on my boxers!"
The waitress cringes as she carefully places the cappuccino on a small plate in front of Rick. "Here you...uh...go?"
"You know what, you've really ruined my life, Genny."
The waitress, looks at her name tag, which has her name, Jenny, engraved. "Wha-what? I didn't do anything..."
"Not you, bimbo, the yellow head I'm talking to."
Jenny's eyes shift back and forth to the sides, trying to hide her fear of this obviously disturbed man. "I gotta go. Enjoy, it's on the house...yahh!!!" She takes off screaming. Suddenly, the entire coffee shop is divided. On one side, Rick. The other, everyone else.
"Damn it..."
"What?"
"Instead of getting drunk while depressed, I'm really hyper while depressed. Knew I shoulda went to a bar..."
"Well, you made a fool of yourself in front of those people. Does that make you feel better?"
"Slightly..." Rick taps his foot excessively. "God, I hate my life..."
Genis sighs, "Rick, I've been searching the Microverse for a technologically advanced race of beings during this hiatus LA has been having in the villain department. Well, I might have found one. They're called the Padcros. Everyone of them is like a little, subatomic Reed Richards. It's funny, they argue about the atomic weight of quarks--"
"And you're just telling me this now?"
"I wanted to surprise you."
"I don't like surprises..."
"Why not?"
"Surprise you've turned me into a feral green monster you dumb kid surprise I'm bonded to a militant alien surprise I have a powerful force I shouldn't surprise your wife is dead oops just kidding surprise we're the Time-Keepers and we're gonna kill you puny human surprise surprise!!!!!"
"Hmm, point taken...you really should have gone to a bar and not a Starbucks. I mean, holy run-on sentence, Batman!"
"I know Jesus what the hell is your problem are you a freak oh my God I am so hyper right now but I can't help it I'm depressed and I just wanna be normal and is it legal for a Marvel character to mention a DC character???!!!!!"
"Whoa, whoa...just breathe. Deep breaths...there ya go..."
"I need to...burn this off...somehow..." Rick says, panting.
"I hear tennis is just as good a workout as swimming or jogging."
"Who am I going to play with?"
"I don't know, it's LA. Just bump into one of the celebrities and ask them to play tennis."
"Why can't I play tennis with a regular guy?"
"Because they could take your picture with a digital camera, then put your head on some other naked guy--"
"Oh yeah. Freaks. At least the famous people of this town are somewhat sane..."
Carrot Top, wearing a goofy visor with his red afro tied in a pony tail, asks, "So, is that 40 for me and 15 for you?"
"Yes," Rick says with clenched teeth.
"Remember, just dial down the center--"
"Just serve the ball!"
"1-800-C-A-L-L--"
"SERVE!"
"Oh, okay...um. 40-15, game point. Isn't this match point, too? I won the first set, six games to two...and I have five games in this set, you have three."
"Serve, you annoying little--"
*THWACK*
The ball in a blur hits inside the service box and bounces out to the side before Rick can return it. "Wooo! I won! Wha! My career's on the upswing, beotch!"
Rick slams his racket on the court in a rage. Carrot Top runs over to Rick and shakes his hand. "Man, great game."
Rick pouts and folds his arms, "Yeah."
Carrot Top puts his arm around Rick's shoulder. "Come on, what's bothering you, man? It's just a game. Betcha I can make you smile."
"I doubt it."
"You know, if you say someone's name and then add 'flattened a two dollar bitch', it sounds totally funny no matter whose name it is. Ha ha, try it!"
"Genis flattened a two dollar bitch."
"Haha! There you go!"
"Hey, wait a minute...," Genis protests.
Rick chuckles, "The Hulk flattened a two dollar bitch...cause of death unknown."
"Bwahahahahaha, that's funny...I think. See? You're smiling again!"
"Yeah, guess I am. You know, I used to think you were really annoying, but you're a pretty nice guy."
Carrot Top blushes, "Aw, come on."
"No, you've really changed my perspective."
"Cool," he says. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a black and white glossy of Marlo in the nude. "Hey, can you have your wife sign this for me?"
Rick's eye twitches. "Sure." He grabs the picture and slips it in his pocket.
"Thanks! Well, I gotta go. Just mail me the picture."
"I don't know where you live."
"Oh, we'll see each other again, probably."
"Yes, we will," Rick mutters. Once Carrot Top leaves the court area, Rick takes the photo and is about to rip it up, but can't help but stare.
"See, Rick? You have a beautiful wife. She's a goddess almost. Do you want her to be without you?" Genis asks.
Rick sighs, "Of course not...I love her."
"...so anyway, I was like yeah right, buddy. Some people are so weird," Marlo laughs while taking a chomp out of a cinnamon raisin bagel. She and Lorraine are walking and/or hovering back to the Jones' new apartment.
"Yeah...," Lorraine says.
"You okay?"
"It's just...I don't know..."
"You miss being alive?"
"Miss having to pay taxes? Hell no, girlfriend!"
"Well, I don't know...it's like I'm dead and no one cares."
"Your family paid for a very expensive gravestone--"
"It's not that...I was hoping I would be famous. I mean, why was I killed? To manifest some sasquatch?"
"Wendigo."
"W-what?"
"That's its name. Not Sasquatch. He's an Alpha Flight member."
"..."
"Sorry," Marlo apologizes with a smile. "I'm married to a guy who has links to all the heroes, remember?"
Lorraine sighs, "I feel like a waste of space. I mean, where am I supposed to go? Why am I stuck with you? Shouldn't I be in Hell with the rest of Hollywood?"
"Well, maybe you're here for a reason. We just have to find out why."
"You were dead once, weren't you?"
"Yeah."
"What was that like? Were you stuck talking with Meg Ryan?"
"No...actually...I don't remember what it was like..." Suddenly, Marlo's cell phone begins to ring. She reaches into her purse and pulls it out. "Ahoy-hoy?"
{{"Marlo? It's Juan Holly, your agent."}}
"Yeah...?"
{{"Great news, girl. You're in talks for starring in a new film with Kevin Spacey, Jim Carrey, and Brad Horton!"}}
"Brad Horton...who the flip is that?"
{{"Oh, sorry. I read the wrong name. It's Brad Pitt. This Horton kid is just some crew member."}}
"Oh. Ohmygod! BRAD PITT!?!?! I...uh...I...uh....oh man...um.....I uh....."
{{"Interested?"}}
"Are you kidding?!"
{{"No, but are you interested?"}}
"Yes! Oh man, Kevin Spacey is an Oscar-winner! Jim Carrey's the funniest guy ever! Is this like an actual movie?! The kind they show in theaters?"
{{"Um...yeah."}}
"Ohwow! What's the movie called?"
{{"We don't know. Miramax just assembled the cast first and worry about the script later like they always do."}}
"Oh...cool beans!"
{{"Well, I gotta go, girl. Congrats! Give my regards to Rick..."}}
Marlo's excitement fades. How is Rick going to feel after hearing Marlo's mega-success? "Okay, thanks. Bye, Juan."
"What was that all about?" Lorraine asks.
"I'm going to be in a movie with Kevin Spacey, Jim Carrey, and Brad Pitt..."
"Really? Is this going to be a comedy?"
"I don't know."
"Oh. Friggin' Miramax."
"Tell me about it."
Later...
Rick opens the door to the apartment, seeing Marlo working at the stove. "Hey, honey! Feeling better?"
"Are you...cooking?" Rick asks.
"No, I called for a pizza. I'm just boiling the tap water. Can never be too careful with city water."
"Pizza...?"
"Don't worry, I got it so that my pineapple and barbecue sauce are on one half and your pepperoni and sausage are on the other this time."
Rick immediately senses tension. Usually, when a man wants to avoid the truth, they buy candy. When a woman calls for a pizza...something's up. "What's wrong?"
"I just..."
"You can tell me," Rick says, coughing slightly. The virus was starting to get into gear.
"I'm booked to star in a movie with Kevin Spacey, Jim Carrey, and Brad Pitt."
Rick smiles, "Miramax?"
"How'd you know?"
Rick shrugs as he hugs his wife. "That's great news."
"You're not mad or jealous?"
"No, why would I? I'm happy for you."
Marlo kisses Rick. "How'd you get that bug out of your butt?"
"I don't like the metaphor, but it started with a cup of cappuccino and ended with a tennis match with Carrot Top."
"Oh, so the usual wacky situations we always get ourselves into?"
"Pretty much, sans the aliens."
Marlo and Rick sit on the couch and turn on the big screen television. "Listen," Rick begins. "Genis found this race of smart people in the Microverse. They might be able to cure me."
Marlo jumps for joy, "That's terrific! See? I told you not to give up!"
"Well...thing is, I'm going to have to stay in the Microverse for a while until the treatment is complete..."
Marlo silently sits back down on the couch. "Oh...?"
"It's only for a few weeks. It'll be like a vacation...except smaller."
Marlo laughs. "I'm going to miss you."
"Well it's not like I'm leaving right now."
"When are you--"
"Tomorrow. We can't be sure how fast this virus is going to start spreading, so I have to get this treatment done right away."
"I see..."
Fifteen minutes later...
*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*
"Pizza delivery for Marlo...Chandler? Oh my God, I'm delivering pizza to a porn star!" the delivery boy's cracked voice says, muffled by the door.
Rick perks his head up from the couch, sweat accumulated in his hair and his forehead. "Umm....just a second...or minute..."
Marlo giggles, "Rick, you animal...AHH!"
Outside, the delivery boy has his ear to the door. "Oh...my...God," he whispers to himself. "Ironically, this was just like one of her movies..." He takes his inhaler and takes a couple of breaths. "Stay calm, stay calm...be a man..."
He attempts to knock again, but the door opens before he can do so. Marlo is standing there with a large pillow covering her unmentionables. She has a wad of cash in her sweaty palms. She's panting. "Here's the money."
The delivery boy's jaw drops.
"Keep the change, hun."
"..."
"You okay?"
"..."
"Rick, call the hospital, this boy's gone into shock!"
The boy's mouth curls into a smile as he falls flat on his back, fainting. Marlo carefully slips into the hallway and gently grabs the pizza. "Yoink," Marlo says.
The boy comes to and sits up. "Aw man...I need new pantaloons."
Indeed he does. Remember kids, if you're going to have a premature *ahem* thing, just don't. It will be worth it. Hmm...that would be kind of funny if I get a Mature Reader's stamp.
Ah well. G'night, folks!
NEXT ISSUE: Yipes! Rick meets some pretty weird Padcrosians in the Microverse! And they're supposed to be helping him! Meanwhile, Genis helps Marlo adjust to her new life. Also, what news does Lorraine have for Marlo?
