Titan

Actually one of Saturn's moons, Titan's atmosphere was able to support life much like the third planet of this solar system (that's Earth, idiots). Titan is actually inhabited by superhuman beings known as Eternals. Most noted Eternals are Mentor, Chronos, Elysius, and...Thanos.

I am Drax the Destroyer.

Moondragon, Heather Douglas, is...or was...my daughter. She isn't a true Titanian. She was born on Earth, and she was raised here by Mentor, and learned to access the latent psionic power all Earthers possess...

I used to be a man named Arthur Douglas. Supposedly, I had a happy life. I was a real estate agent. Sounds like a normal human job. Then Thanos killed me, my daughter, and my wife while we were driving back to LA from Vegas.

Mentor, that bastard's father, happened to be monitoring his son. He found out that Heather was alive. For some reason, he thought he should enlist the aid of his father, Chronos, to construct a body out of the mud and clay -- just like Adam.

Then Chronos used his power to sieze my soul before it left my mangled corpse and put it in this new body. It was a literal conduit of power. I was enstilled with an innate hatred of Thanos. With the help of Moondragon, Mar-Vell, and the Avengers, I was finally able to destroy Thanos. But it left me horribly empty. Even after he was killed the second time, I felt nothing different.

Moondragon then asked me to go on a cosmic road-trip in a search of knowledge. I ended up sacrificing myself to save a world she had taken over in a moment of greed. Now I am back, somehow...and feel emptier than ever.

I know nothing of the life Arthur Douglas had.

I can't live this life anymore. I'm seemingly immortal in this body. My mind is shattered...lost. The only way I can ease the pain...is to blow up planets.

Yes...Earth will do. It gave birth to Arthur Douglas, which gave birth to me. Earth will pay for causing me pain...

It will pay...

Moondragon walks down the busy Titanian street and senses a strange, but familiar thought-pattern. She looks up, scanning the Eternal architectual wonders. She sees something protruding from one of the taller buildings. She sees a certain green-skinned brute in a purple cape manning the giant ray-gun. She noticed the technology was not Titanian in nature.

"Gods of Titan...I was here on vacation from the Avengers," Moondragon mutters to herself. Her hands go to her temples as her forehead erupts with blue light, sending her telepathic powers into overdrive.

"Captain Marvel...this is Moondragon...I need you to come to Titan...immediately!"

Moondragon didn't have the power to communicate over interplanetary distances, but she hopes with his cosmic awareness, Captain Marvel will be able to pick up on the telepathic distress call.

"Oh father," she sighs. She sends herself into the air, trying to subdue the creature that her father became...

Padcros...

This isn't one of Saturn's moons, but rather a (very) tiny planet in the Microverse, inhabited by purple-skinned geniuses. Rick Jones, its current solitary human inhabitant, is somberly walking through the technological wonderland. He has been here for a few months now, undergoing treatment of a virus the alien race, the Mig-Na'cha, infected him with.

Somehow, Professor Bloph, the Padcrosian doctor who is treating Rick, separated the molecular bond between Rick and Genis. Rick was almost cured, but he has been away from Marlo for the longest time, and was separated from Genis.

It was nice having some time off from being Genis' super-hero "coach", but old habits die hard...like Rick attracting trouble. Or was it the other way around?

"Give me your pudja, or I will blast your guhas out of your head cavity," a raspy Padcrosian voice grumbled as he brandished a shinny metallic pistol. There were lights on the sides of it that lit up periodically. A female Padcrosian trembled before the might of the larger mugger.

Rick entered the alley and yelled, "Why not pick on someone your own--Jesus, you're huge!"

The mugger turns around and snorts, "Look, it's the Macroverse native."

"Save me!" the woman cries.

Rick bites his lower lip, "I'm...workin' on it."

"Just turn around and go away, there's nothing you can do here," the mugger warns, pointing the gun at Rick. The targeting computer on the gun was locked onto his vitals.

Rick stands his ground. "No. Get away from her."

The mugger smiles as he pulls the trigger, only the blast bounces off Rick.

Rick opens one eye at a time, "What the...?"

Hovering above Rick were three beings in red, blue, and yellow armor. It was Zang, Rohk, and Khru, the Tremendous Troika! They were the children of Professor Bloph, possessing high-tech armor.

Zang, the one in red armor, salutes Rick, "Hiya."

Rick notices Zang had erected some sort of force field around him, to protect him from the blast. While this is going on, Rohk and Khru, having blue and yellow armor, respectively, have subdued the mugger.

Rohk grabs the woman's hand, leaning in to kiss it. "How may I serve you, madame?"

The woman blushes. "Oh...teehehehe..."

Khru rolls her eyes, "Come, brother. Padcros needs our protection."

Rohk sighs, "Fine." He pulls out a scanner. "That will be 500 flory-gazas."

The woman's personality does a 180. "Say what, mutha floggnuger?"

Khru slaps her brother upside the head, "Rohk! Quit being an idiot! We don't charge the people we save UNLESS they have political status, remember?"

"Are you okay, Rick?" Zang asks.

Rick scratches the back of his head, "Yeah...my body still aches a bit from your dad's treatment, but I'm alive, at least."

"That's good." Zang looks at his siblings, nodding to them. "Well, we have to go save the world. Catch you on the flip side."

As the three armored heroes fly away, they each flip Rick the bird. Rick smiles, knowing it's the Padcrosian version of the thumbs-up.

As Rick begins to walk away, the woman catches up to him. "Thank you."

Rick laughs slightly, "For what? I didn't do anything, really."

"You were so brave, standing up to that brute like that."

"Well, I've...had experience in dealing with big, thick-necks like him."

"May I have intercourse with you?"

Rick chokes on his tongue as his heart skips a beat. His cheeks feel like they were burning. "Uh...what?"

The woman points to the other side of the street. Rick looks over nervously and sees a coffee-shop of sorts. If it is coffee they're even drinking.

"What is that they're drinking?"

"Intercourse. It's a popular Padcrosian drink."

Rick exhales a sigh of prolonged relief. He nods, "Yes, I'd be glad to have intercourse with you." He smiles awkwardly, clearing his throat.

A beam of light rockets towards the Titanian skyline. Moondragon is waiting for it while standing on top of a building. The beam slows down as it descends next to her. When the light clears, Captain Marvel is beside her.

"Drax?" Genis asks.

"How did you know?" Moondragon asks.

Genis sighs, "Just the tone of your thoughts, I guess."

Moondragon wipes her nose of blood, "I tried to stop him, but he's being difficult."

Genis charges his nega-bands, which his father wore, "I'll stop him."

Moondragon puts a hand on Genis' shoulder, "It's my fault he is acting this way!"

Genis shakes his head, "It can't be your fault, Heather."

"You do not understand. I...used my power to stop a race of aliens in a civil war while journeying with Drax. Only the power went to my head...Drax sacrificed himself to ensure their freedom. If his mind becomes even more tattered every time his body regenerates itself...then this is my fault!"

"Well, it's the fault of whoever gave him immortality, then. Not you, got it?" Genis asks. He peers into the city, observing the tallest building, where Drax's ray gun is sitting. "Where is that pointed? It doesn't rhyme with girth, does it?"

Moondragon relunctantly nods.

Genis rolls his eyes. "Peachy." He rockets towards the ray gun, only to get knocked down to the street below in mid-flight. Genis creates a small blast crater where he lands, much to the surprise of the Eternal citizens.

Drax hovers silently with his arms crossed. His purple cape flaps in the Titanian wind. "You cannot protect them, Vell. They are a disease. They breed hate and war."

Genis grunts, using his flight to pick himself up. "The Kree aren't the friendliest guys on the universal block, Drax. They've done a lot worse than Earthers. They haven't even perfected space-travel with their own technology. They aren't a threat!"

"I'll be the judge of that!" Drax yells, generating a blast of pure cosmic force which knocks Genis through a building. Thinking quickly, Genis pushes the building into place before it collapses. Drax hits him with another blast, which knocks him into the air. Drax flies up and delivers the right hook from Hell, sending Genis into Saturn's orbit.

Energy bleeds from Drax's eyes. He observes his daughter, trying to help people escape from the damaged building. "Say goodbye to Captain Marvel, Moondragon. I'm sorry, he won't be able to say the same to you. I know you love him..."

Moondragon watches Drax rocket out of Titan's atmosphere. She concentrates. A look of horror appears on her face. "The Mig-Na'cha gave him that power cell he's using for the planet-gun?"

Genis feels his head jerk to the side as Drax drives hammers into his face while in the intricate ring patterns of ice belonging to Saturn. Genis gets plowed through about thirty miles of ice chunks and dust before hovering to a stop.

Drax flies at lightning speeds towards him, tackling him in the zero gravity environment. The two begin spinning out of control into Saturn's gravity field.

"I'll let go if you let go!" Genis yells.

"NEVER!" Drax counters. He laughs, "These rocks of ice actually remind me of the asteroids I gave the Mig-Na'cha..."

The star-field within the shadows of Captain Marvel's body flash. His nega-bands light up like novas and he and Drax are suddenly stopped in mid-orbit. With one hand clenching Drax's cloak, the other is winding back for a massive blow.

As Drax's body rockets out of Saturn's orbit, towards Jupiter's, Genis matches his velocity and continues to pound into him.

"What are you DOING?" Drax yells.

"I saw this on the Discovery Channel once," Genis answers, continuing to push Drax into Jupiter's orbit. At the last possible moment, Genis breaks flight, sending Drax at top-speeds into the path of the monstrous Jupiter.

Without enough space to stop his velocity, Drax is pulled into Jupiter's gravity field, directly into the planet's massive gaseous atmosphere. The speed at which Drax was traveling and the emense strength of Jupiter's magnetic field causes a massive explosion when he hits the atmosphere.

Genis pants. "I think I could make it big in the vacuum cleaner business with this honkin' planet..."

"My next guest is a very talented and beautiful actress. You can see her in the upcoming movie Monster Books. Let's give a Late Night welcome to Marlo Chandler," Conan O'Brien announces.

Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg Seven play their tunes and Marlo sheepishly steps out from behind the curtain, shaking Conan's hand, giving him a peck on the cheek, then sitting down in her chair next to Conan's desk.

"Marlo, Marlo," Conan begins. "You are one hot tomale."

The audience laughs.

Marlo clips on her microphone to the strap of her dress, "Oh...haha...thanks."

"You know, I think this is the first time you've ever been on our show," Conan observes. "Was it that segment where we made fun of Rick?" Conan turns to the audience, "As you know, Rick Jones is Marlo's husband."

Conan mockingly slams his fist on his desk, screaming, "That lucky sunuva bitch!"

The audience laughs.

Marlo clenches her teeth, nervously rubbing her stomach.

"At least it's not as bad as me losing Rebecca Romijn," Conan begins, leaning closer to his microphone, "STAMOS!"

The audience laughs.

"Yeah, he's real--" Marlo begins.

"STAMOS!" Conan utters loudly in his microphone, once again.

"--lucky?"

The audience laughs.

"Actually, I'd like to make an announcement," Marlo proposes.

"STAMOS!"

The audience laughs.

Conan realizes his fault and apologizes, "Oh, sorry. Go ahead."

Marlo takes a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."

The audience laughs.

"No, seriously, I am. Rick and I are going to have a baby."

"Wow, that's amazing!" Conan exclaims. The audience blindly starts applauding and cheering once the "applause" sign lights up.

Marlo finds herself glowing. "Wow, thanks. Thank you. This is the first place I've announced it."

Conan whispers to Marlo, "We're on really late...no one watches this show."

"...Oh. Crap."

"Should I scare some people and create a riot to increase ratings?" Lorraine asks, appearing behind Conan. Marlo's eyes bulge and gives her a "hell no" look.

Just outside Earth's solar system...

A small pod rockets out of the dust cloud that surrounds all solar systems. It was Drax. He wasn't dead, but his spirit was broken. Earth wasn't all blowed up. He'd expended a lot of energy in his fight with Captain Marvel, so he's using alternative transport.

Suddenly, a large shadow envelops Drax's viewing screen.

"What in the--?" he asks, just before being teleported.

Drax awakes in an energy cylinder, surrounded by Mig-Na'cha drones. A device slowly lowers itself onto Drax's cranium, sending serges of electricity into his brain.

The drones click in delight.

Drax's eyes bulge when a large version of the normal drone approaches his energy cylinder. It was the queen.

"Hello, Drax...you tried to blow up the planet we wanted to conquer...that was naughty..."

Drax counters, "Then why did you want to bombard it with those asteroids I sold you?"

The queen smiles, "I think you know why..."

"Genis-Vell?"

"The only Kree-Titanian in existance. He's a threat, since he's adopted Earth as his homeworld. But, you see...once we take Earth...we will take Titan as well. Then Kree-Lar, then Shandilar...we are Mig-Na'cha. We know how to conquer."

"You said you were only going to conquer Earth!" Drax growls, just as his mind is invaded by electronic probes.

The queen laughs, "We also know how to lie."

NEXT ISSUE: The return of the Mig-Na'cha! Cripes! Plus: ever wonder why Genis and Rick stopped switching bodies using the Negative Zone? You didn't? Well start!

I don't normally review this title - or any of the titles on the Heroes branch. The titles don't really interest me, truth be told - no offense to the writers there.

Fair enough.

But, with David's recent absence, I'm called upon to edit these issues. And I gotta tell you, I have been missing out as far as Captain Marvel is concerned.

Damn right, you were!

I love the humor in this book. I read the actual Captain Marvel book for awhile, but had to drop it due to money problems. It's nice to see that Brad's able to capture the same humor here. My favorite part would have to be the scene with Uatu, and the comments about not interfering. Heh, great stuff, Brad.

Well, thanks. For the first few issues, I was deliberately being an ass with the humor. Now I'm trying to streamline the laughs to balance suspence and action along with it. Makes it more exciting. Yes, Uatu is one lucky bastard for never getting fired, but all of the other Watchers have their own alien babes to look at.

I'm kind of dumbfounded as to why Prosh and Cable were there, though.

It would be kind of stupid for Cable to not do anything in that massive space station of his, no?

My only complaint about this issue is that it makes me wanna read the others. Damn you, Brad!

Dance, puppet, dance!!!

That's all for now...where the hell is everyone else?!