Remember that time where I said I'd do some kind of Guide to the Internet?

No?

Well, maybe I forgot to mention it.

Hi, I'm Deadpool, the infamous Merc-With-A-Mouth, here with my take on the Internet. The world wide web is a place used by various fanboys * or just regular people with a lot of time and money on their hands to download movie traliers, porn, or just bitch about comic to film adaptations. There are even some who spend hours on end writing crappy stories about fictional characters they didn't even create and post it on websites so fanboys can bitch about more stuff.

(* Fanboy (fan-boy): Noun. 1. Comic geek. 2. Fanfic writer. 3. All-around asshole who has nothing better to do, i.e. dress up like Jedi or write fanfic.)

Sometimes, the Internet is job-related. Yeah, people make a living on the Internet, strangely. Mostly running porn sites. But the second reason besides porn people get connected with the Internet is for email. It's just like regular mail (or "snail mail" as it is sometimes called by fanboys), but electronic and lightning fast!

Email can also be part of a job, like me. I'm a mercenary, meaning I get hired by clients to kill people or steal shit, whatever sounds the funnest*. Let's check my email now, shall we?

(* Is that a word?)

Okay...3 emails! Woot! Let's check 'em out...
__________________________________________________
Subj: Hey, Sexaaay!!!
Date: 4/15/2003 12:34:52 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: sexychik69@yahoo.com
To: Deadpool69@aol.com
Sent from the Internet (Details)

Hi, Deadpool69. I was just wondering if you wz doig anything tonight! Cum see my webcam! At http//:www.pornocam.32.9843034989-327947?cgi-bin/thisisfake.org!!!

H@*Y#(*GHOBJBJFBFJB
________________________________________________

What the...? Freakin' spam! Delete! Hmm, next email.

________________________________________________

Subj: Your Mortgage is approved!
Date: 4/17/2003 6:34:32 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: deadpool69@hotmail.com
BCC: deadpool69@aol.com
Sent from the Internet (Details)

YOUR MORTAGAGE IZ APPROVED! JUST SEND US A REPLY AND WE'LL GET YOU THE MORTGAGE YOU DESERVE FOR YOUR HOME!

*#*#J#J#J#HDhpiohtirhtpierhtihkihpihihbrub ;)

________________________________________________

What the hell? He has my same name, except under a hotmail account! Seriously, AOL! And what's with all the mortgage emails? DELETE! Gah! Okay, last email, this better be good...and worth my time I'm trying to kill...

________________________________________________

Subj: Deadpool #21
Date: 4/20/2003 1:39:52 PM Central Standard Time
From: Bradmon84@aol.com
To: Deadpool@aol.com

Hey, here's the issue, tell me what you think.

--Brad
[[ATTACHMENT ERROR: What a dumbass cheesehead!]]

_________________________________________________

Okaaaaay...anyway, there are other ways besides email to communicate. There are also chat rooms and different types of instant messenger. I use AIM, as in AOL Instant Messenger, not the terrorists. Well, let's see who's online...

No one yet...

douchendatrunks: deeeeaaddddppppoooollllll!!!!
douchendatrunks: deeeeaaddddppppoooollllll!!111
DEADPOOL69: uhhh...yeah
douchendatrunks: wassip?

Keep in mind I don't know who this is. It's always good to make new friends on the--

douchendatrunks: i said whats up, bitch?
douchendatrunks: !
douchendatrunks: huh!?
DEADPOOL69: I'm sitting here, talkin to you, numbnuts
douchendatrunks: numbnuts? I fuked yor mom, bitch!
DEADPOOL69: My mom's dead, necrophiliac
douchendatrunks: She told me you'd say that. but she's really alive
DEADPOOL69: yeah, shur
DEADPOOL69: *sure
douchendatrunks: LOL! you cant even speel!

Okay, forget making new friends on the Internet, this punk is dead! This is what fanboys call trolls*.

(* Troll (tro'l). Noun. 1. One of those dolls with the weird hair. 2. Dudes that hang out under bridges or something. 3. Fuckin' bitches like douchendatrunks!!!)

douchendatrunks: huh, what 're you gonna do, btch? I fucked yor mom!
DEADPOOL69: well, that's your problem, sonny, because I just told you she was dead
douchendatrunks: she was so good...I was all like...showin' her my oh-face! oh oh! oh!
DEADPOOL69: do you think you're funny or something?
douchendatrunks: LOL! I'm the bomb-digity! bitch! I fucked yer mom! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLL!!!!!
DEADPOOL69: you really need to cut back on the "lol", pal
douchendatrunks: LOL!
douchendatrunks: LOL!
douchendatrunks: LOL!
douchendatrunks: LOL!
douchendatrunks: I'm gonna find out where you live and piss on your comics!
douchendatrunks: Oh no, my comics, lmao!!
DEADPOOL69: my...comics?
douchendatrunks: yeah, im gonna piss on yor comics, lol!!!
DEADPOOL69: having a small bladder doesn't give you the obligation to piss on comics I don't even own
douchendatrunks: LOL!
DEADPOOL69: what?
douchendatrunks: You use big words! :-D you must be a fag!
DEADPOOL69: not really, I've seen more poot than you've had in your 2 second wet dreams, I'm guessing
douchendatrunks: I'm a 36 yr old black man!
DEADPOOL69: uh...okay
douchendatrunks: With a 36" shlong!
DEADPOOL69: so you're a 30 something black guy with a 3 foot dong and you fuck my dead mother...and you have a really weak bladder...alright
douchendatrunks: LOL! oh, your momma is so good in bed

Time to do a little FTP search...

DEADPOOL69: You like harassing strangers on the Internet?
douchendatrunks: You write for that M2K website? huh?
DEADPOOL69: no
douchendatrunks: Yeah, you write that Deadpool one, dont you? look at your name, deadpoool69.
DEADPOOL69: i'm the star of it, dipshit
douchendatrunks: dipshit? don't you know how to swear? god, youer a fag!
DEADPOOL69: Look, if you don't shut the fuck up right now, I'm going to find your exact location where you're signed onto the Internet, fly to your home, bust open the door with guns a blazin', breaking all of your Star Trek comemorative plates and pictures of yourself fucking your cats, killing your mom, dad, and then your siblings, if you have any, starting from the oldest to youngest. If you're in the middle of them in terms of age, I'll save you for last as I cut off all your digits one by one so you can actually tell me to my face that shit you just IMed me...proving once and for all I AM THE MOTHER FUCKING MERC WITH A FUCKING MOUTH YOU'RE NOT UPSTAGING ME, BITCH! PISS ON MY COMICS? YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT, PUSSY!
DEADPOOL69: huh? I can't hear you! make me scared!

Whoa. I'm kind of lightheaded. Normally, I just block mother fuckers like this, but...sometimes it's good to let off a little steam. Where was I? Oh, right. Chat rooms. These are fun to crash. Sometimes, they have private chats that you can stumble upon if you make a chat room with the same name. For example...

OnlineHost: *** You are in "X-Men Alpha secret meeting". ***
OnlineHost: Now you can chat privately with AOL and Internet users.
Cykedude: So I was like, let's sabatoge the release of Alpha!
CannonSam: hahahahahaha!!!
Dizzler80s: Omega's like...lightyears ahead of us! lmao!
Stormlives: The longer Alpha is delayed, the longer I can stay alive ;)
Rutog98: All hail the goddess Storm!
OnlineHost: ***Rutog98 has been kicked the fuck out***
PhoenixGrey: Scott, was that really necessary?
Cykedude: He's really annoying. Ororo's been stalked by him for years!
BeastMasterPHD: Ingenious plan on keeping Storm alive, Cyclops.
Cykedude: Jean threatened me. It was either that or sleep on the couch.
DEADPOOL69: poopies! heh.
CannonSam: Deadpool? The heck you doing in here?
Cykedude: Shit! The secret about Alpha's delay!!
DEADPOOL69: Heheheheh. Suckers.
OnlineHost: ***DEADPOOL69 has left the room...suckers***

So, there you have it. The Internet is sure a strange place. Check back next issue where I'll explore the strange world the HEROES yahoogroups list. Tactful? No. Catty? Yep.