Surrounded by the red glow, the mighty Defenders sank through the eternal chaos of non-linear time. Reality fluctuated sideways in a constant stream of unintelligible cosmic chatter, the ocean-thoughts of vast, universal entities-

“I hate narrators. Especially when they‘re cursed rocks.” Howard muttered, clutching the crimson glow of the Star of Capistan to his chest. The gem seemed to growl. The young man standing beside him looked down in confusion, brown doe-eyes wide and innocent.

“What?”

“Nothing, kid.” Howard shook himself and looked up at the messiah known as Aquarian. “We’re back. Home sweet home.”

The red glow faded and the familiar wrong-joisted walls and puce carpeting of the Crooked House was revealed. Howard tossed the Star from one hand to the other and listened to it giggle in his head.

“Bev! We’re back!” he shouted.

“Did you get the milk?”

“No!”

“Did you kill Dracula?”

“No!”

“So basically, you did nothing from the shopping list.”

“Yes!” Howard said.

“Bad day?” Beverly Switzer, henna-haired, Jewish, and single (but on the market, LOVEline connection # 459) swept out of the kitchen, ducking under the off-angle door frame. She smiled and the Star grew warm in Howard’s hand. He looked down at it and grunted disgustedly.

“You could say that, yeah.” Howard allowed Beverly to hoist him up and peck him on the beak. “How was your day?”

“Finally figured out was making that noise in the garbage disposal.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Apparently, we don’t actually have a garbage disposal.”

“Do I wanna know?”

“Probably not. But for future reference, his name is Zuul. Hi, Wundarr.” Bev said, smiling at Aquarian.

“Great.” Howard looked up at Aquarian. The long-haired youth was staring at Bev like a pole-axed ox as usual. “Kid?”

“...”

“Kid!”

“Yes, Howard?”

“Don’t you need to meditate or something?”

“I-yes. Yes.” Aquarian said. He swept past them, heading for his room. Bev watched him go, smiling, finger tapping against her lips.

“Heavenly butt.”

“Bev-”

“What? I’m just looking.”

“Yeah. Heard from the Doc?”

“Not a whimper.”

“Figures.” Howard shook his head and threw himself into a ratty looking recliner that occupied one end of the living room. He leaned back, webbed feet up, eyes closed. “What are we doing here, Bev?”

“Didn’t the narrator-”

“I meant in the existential sense.”

“Ah.” Bev shook her head and sat on the arm of the recliner. “Free room and board.”

“Least he could do.”

“No. The least he could have done was to leave us homeless."

"Good point." Howard thumped the arm-rest with a fist. "The kid did good. But we wouldn't have been able to handle things if the Avengers hadn't been there-"

Oh I don't know about that, Howard. I'm sure you would have managed.

Howard and Bev looked up as the shimmering astral form of Doctor Stephen Strange coalesced somewhere in the vicinity of the ceiling.

"Doc." Howard said, his tone guarded.

Howard. How is Wundarr?

"Oh fine, fine. Just another one of us orphans."

I am working on that Howard. Rest assured. Both your world and Aquarian's-

"Are dust on the wind. Fleeting grains of the sands of time." Howard leaned forward, beak snapping angrily. "But you don't plan on admitting it until you don't need us anymore, right?"

Howard...while I am no stranger to a caustic attitude, it really never solves anything. If a ghost could look affronted, Strange did. Ask Namor. Ask any of my previous Defenders-

"Can't though, can we? Because we're here. Wherever here is...cosmic waiting room." Howard gestured at the house around him.

You can leave anytime, Howard. You have the means. The Star of Capistan-

"Might eat my soul every time I use it!"

Is that not worth the price of a meal at Sizzler?

"Ooh, Sizzler!" Bev clapped her hands. "Ducky, we should-"

"No!" Howard snapped, eyes never leaving Strange.

Howard, you are the perfect bearer for that ungodly stone. You have an innate affinity for magic, as I've said, but not nearly enough to get into trouble. And the strength of your will rivals that of the greatest psyches Earth has ever produced. Strange said, arms crossed, staring down at the fuming Duck. Mine among them.

Bev mouthed 'conceited' at Howard, hand raised to hide her mouth. Howard grunted. Strange's eyebrow went up as if the other one was weighted down with granite.

I saw that, Ms. Switzer.

“Avaunt foul shade!”

“Bev-” Howard closed his eyes and rubbed his head. “Look. I’m sorry, Doc. But the dynamic duo-”

“Trio.” Bev said.

“Trio-” Howard corrected.

Quartet.

“Nobody asked you!” He shook the Star of Capistan quite rudely and looked up at Strange. “We need help.”

Howard- Strange sighed. No.

“I should have brought Shatter-jerk home.” Howard muttered. “You still haven’t told me why!” he continued, shooting a glare at Strange.

Because...I’m not in charge, Howard. Strange said, smiling slightly. Well, I say smiling but it was more of a sneer. Well, I say sneer but-

Quiet. Strange said.

Douchebag says what?

What?

Ha!

“Ignore him.” Howard shook the gem idly. “Anyway, you mean I could’ve-”

Perhaps we should discuss this later, Howard. My mystic senses-

Douchebag senses.

Silence! Strange said. My senses reveal an aberration in the skein of reality, a disruption of the Seen by the Unseen, a-

“Problem?” Howard supplied.

Yes. Quite. In England. It looks like a job for the Defenders!

“But since they’re not here, we’ll handle it, right?” Howard groaned as he flipped himself out of his recliner. “We only just got back!”

I notice that I can still sense Dracula’s presence-

“Going, going.” Howard stumped down the hall towards Aquarian’s sanctum. “Kid! It’s boogie-oogie time!”

In his room, Aquarian floated, cross-legged, a foot above his floor. Meditating.

Right. Cobblers, that is.

“Must you?” Aquarian said, a sigh escaping at the end. “I’m concentrating on something.”

Red-haired something, right? Perky ti-

“For a stone, you are quite irritating.”

For a messiah you have strong pecs.

“What?”

I thought we were sharing non-sequiters.

Howard thumped on the door. “Kid!”

“Coming Howard.” Aquarian unfolded with inhuman grace and passed through the molecules of the door as if it were the merest mist. Cool, hunh?

“Quiet.” Howard shook the stone in both hands. “And stop narrating!”

Somebody has to! Otherwise no one will know what’s going on! Especially you chumps...

“Chumps?”

How about twits?

“Aaargh!”

Howard had a fiery tem-

“StopitstopitstopIT!” Howard hurled the stone, bouncing it off of the wall.

Ow.