Howard the Duck watched the fight, and shook his head. He stuffed the Snuffling Gun into his coat pocket and went to help Bev. “What the hell is going on?” she said.

“Same as ever, kiddo,” Howard said. “Lots of crazy, not a lot of comprehension.”

“Oh good. For a moment, I thought we’d lost the plot.”

“Plot is the last refuge of the terminally creative,” the White Rabbit said, crouching nearby. “All in all, I wish I’d stayed with the Jabberwock.” She hefted a discarded particle rifle.

“And I wish I’d left you there,” Howard said. “What are you doing with that?”

“Going to join the rumpus, of course,” she said, giggling. “Calloo, callay, it’s going to be a wonderful dayEEK!” She squealed as she was hoisted into the air by Garko, who glared first at her, then at Howard.

“What is going on, duck?” Garko snarled.

“Why ask me?”

“Moo,” the Hellcow said.

“What she said,” Garko added. Howard looked at them both and shook his head.

“Fine. Magic is going on. I tried to tell you idiots, but you didn’t listen. We’re the moving parts in a magical mechanism. We’ve done our job, and now it’s time to go.”

“Go where, exactly?” the Beast of Berlin said. He was crouched in front of a nearby computer screen, his fingers flickering over the keyboard. “We’re in the middle of the ocean!”

“Monster Island,” the Scarlet Beetle said, zipping through the group. “This town is a biological anomaly, and it’s following an ancient instinct. All the big ones have it. Groot. Goom. Gorgilla. Eventually, they all go home.”

“And it’s taking us with it. Wonderful,” Garko said. He looked at Howard. “So what do we do?”

“Again, why ask me?” Howard said, looking thoughtfully at the fight between the Auditor and the Mindless One. He looked at the Beast. “What the hell is that thing?”

“His name is Shaun,” Bev said.

“The other thing!”

“The Auditor. It’s a pre-programmed assault mode, built in to every AIM supervisor-drone. Based on gamma mutation principles,” the Beast said. He grunted. “Never seen one in action before.”

“If we leave, we don’t have to see it now!” the Scarlet Beetle said. “Those things can level cities, if they’ve got the proper authorization!”

“Does this one?” Howard said.

“Maybe,” the Beetle said. “Who knows? Smith-6 wasn’t very high up in the food chain, but-”

The Mindless One tumbled past, scattering the group. The Auditor stalked towards them. “Cost-cutting principles remain the same at every level of the enterprise. Downsizing will help stabilize our bottom line during these troubled times.”

“He means us,” the Beast of Berlin said, helpfully.

“I got that, thank you,” Howard said. “No need to have security see us out, we can find the door.”

The Auditor lunged, one big canary fist crunching through the floor. Howard jumped aside, reaching for the gun in his coat. Garko bellowed and bounced onto the Auditor, but was swatted aside.

“We will need to work together to beat it,” the Beast snarled. Howard laughed.

“Of course we will,” he said, taking aim with the Snuffling Gun. “Because that’s how this goes. It just keeps throwing threats at us, until we get to the end.”

“End of what?” Bev said.

“LOVE,” the Red Rajah said, pulling himself to his feet, his crimson cloak flaring around him. “And the end is only the beginning.”

“Annoying cryptic subtext-check,” Bev said, looking for cover. The Red Rajah made a grab for her, but a blast from the rifle in the White Rabbit’s hands sent him sprawling.

“Grabby, gropping gods get gadzooked,” she said, stepping back to stand beside Bev. “I’m Alice. Didn’t I see you in Bandersnatch Blues?”

“You saw that?” Bev said, hefting a chair. “Did you think the monologue was too much?”

“Not enough, really.”

“What does that thing do?” Howard said, grabbing the Scarlet Beetle.

“It’s got reactive synergy, based on Adaptoid technology,” the insect said, struggling to free itself. “It assesses a situation, then makes the necessary-ah-adjustments!” Howard turned.

“Great. Okay, here’s what I want you to do-”

“Moo,” the Hellcow said, barreling into the Auditor from behind, as the Beast of Berlin wrapped hairy arms around its thick neck. The Auditor grabbed a handful of the ape’s cover-alls and yanked it forward, slamming it into the Hellcow. Both fell in a tangle. The Auditor turned.

The Scarlet Beetle thrummed past it, catching its attention, pulling it around. Howard shot it. The Snuffling Gun yowled. The Auditor staggered, looking down at the orange serum leaking from the wound.

“Unexpected expenses,” it said, frowning.

“Risks of the market,” Howard said, skipping backwards as the Auditor stepped towards him. He glanced over his shoulder, trying to determine where the Rajah was. “Here’s another one.” As the Auditor sprang at him, Howard rolled out of the way. The Auditor slammed into the Red Rajah and both of them went careening through the wall.

“Weren’t you coming here to save him?” the White Rabbit said.

“I am,” Howard said. “Trust me.”

Tombo was on all fours now, shaking its head. Everyone inside the AIM base was thrown sideways as the Town roared out in pain. “Crap,” Howard said. “We need to get out of here!” Water flooded into the room, lapping at ankles and knees.

---

The Red Rajah held onto the edges of the hole he’d blown in Tombo’s belly, bracing himself against the Auditor’s blows. He’d erected a null-field moments before the creature had connected, but he could still feel the vibrations of each blow.

The Auditor had nothing in it of LOVE, no emotional web to pluck, no mind to beguile. It was nothing. Strong nothing.
This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

Inside the Rajah’s chest, the Star of Capistan cringed as another blow shook it in its red nest of crystalline tendrils. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Aquarian was the Key. The host that would enable it to spread LOVE.

Why aren’t you tougher?

“What?” the Red Rajah said.

You heard me! You’re a super-baby! Alien Jesus with hippie hair! Why aren’t you able to fight rent-a-Hulk here?

“I-stop it! I need to concentrate!” the Red Rajah said. He strengthened his shield. “He-it-doesn’t have a mind or a soul! I can’t make him LOVE if he doesn’t even understand the concept!”

Strange would have beat it by now. It’s just a robot!

“Shut up. I am the Red Rajah! The Red Rajah!”

The blows came more rapidly. The Red Rajah glanced over his shoulder, at the waves lapping at Tombo below. Even with the null-field in place, he was being shoved backwards-

The Auditor’s hand passed through the field as it weren’t even there. Steely fingers fastened around the Rajah’s throat, cutting off his air. “Energy field analyzed. Compensating.” The Auditor yanked him forward. The Red Rajah struggled, sending slivers of crimson null energy into the Auditor’s form, trying to rip it apart.

Great. Perfect. Wonderful. Now we’re being strangled. Not LOVing this. No sir.

“I-ahck-I am forced to agree,” the Red Rajah said.

Oh good. Then you won’t mind when I do…THIS.

“What?” the Red Rajah looked down at his chest. The Star of Capistan pushed through his chest, rising from his robes. The Auditor focused on it, then, predictably, grabbed it, fingers digging into the Red Rajah’s chest.

Aquarian screamed as the red seeped away from him, draining and coiling around the Auditor. The Auditor dropped Aquarian and staggered, shaking its arm as if to dislodge the gem that had bonded itself to its palm.

Mmm. Organic, but mindless. Convenient.

“Alert! Hostile takeover! Alert the shareholders! Alert the shahaWWK!”

Do shut up. You were never more than a two-bit background character, and frankly, we’re all sick of you. You too.

The Auditor, body rippling with changes, kicked Aquarian’s limp form, rolling him towards the hole in Tombo’s belly.

You were a horrible host. Weak. Argumentative. If I’d wanted argumentative, I’d have stayed with-

“Me.”

“Howard,” the Auditor turned, cloak whirling around it. Only it wasn’t the Auditor. Not anymore. The Red Rajah flexed his hands. “Come to beg forgiveness?”

“Nope.” Howard was sitting on a jutting stump of machinery, hands behind his head, legs crossed. “Wondered if that would work.”

“Your idea, then?” The Red Rajah laughed. “Figures.”

“Kinda like old times, ain’t it. Just me and you and the kid.” Howard gestured at Aquarian. The Rajah looked down, and sniffed.

“I had high hopes for him.”

“Yeah. I know.” Howard tapped his forehead. “Why do you think Strange picked him?”

“Because I told him to, of course. Quietly. Subtly,” the Red Rajah said. “Where are the others, Howard?”

“Gone. Escape pod. While you were busy, we found one, and I shoved all the non-essential personnel into it. Bev. The frog. All of ‘em.”

“How…anti-climactic.”

“What I do best,” Howard spread his hands. “What? You thought we were going to have a big fight?”

“I’d hoped,” the Red Rajah said, crossing his arms. “I’ve been waiting to experience true physicality for ages-”

“Body-stealing not good enough?”

“Now that you mention it, no.”

“Strange knew you were in his head, you know,” Howard said, pulling a scrap of cigar from his coat and sticking it into his beak. He held up a finger and a flicker of flame sprouted from the tip. The Red Rajah blinked.

“You can’t do that.”

“Of course I can. Strange has been teaching me magic.” Howard shook his finger out and puffed on his cigar. “In between post-hypnotic trances.”

“What?”

“Strange has been Sorcerer Supreme for how long now? You don’t think he can’t tell when there’s a niggling crimson worm of intelligent spell burrowed into his subconscious,” Howard said. He shook his finger. “That’d be stupid. He knew. And he countered it. You made a copy of him to craft that cockamamie prophecy in the first place-”

“Cockamamie? I’m quite proud of that, actually,” the Red Rajah protested.

“You would be. And Strange made a copy of your copy, and gave it to me in order to keep me updated on you,” Howard said, pointing.

“Wait. What? I would have known-” the Red Rajah began, shaking his head.

“You’re a rock. I’m surprised you came up with a plan in the first place.” Howard tapped ash on the surface beside him. “Good plan, though. Very open. Lots of confusion. Lots of coincidences. Nothing really to do but dig in and ride it out.”

“Which you did admirably. And now, with my new body, my vessel, I can finally do what I was created to do.” The Red Rajah spread his arms. “And I have you to thank.”

“Yep. You do. Of course, you’ve got the wrong vessel, but hey, no plan is perfect.”

“Wrong vessel? Organic. Mindless. Soulless. This thing was built for me.” The Red Rajah laughed. “And now, I think, I’ll fill you with more LOVE than your feathery little form can take.”

“Before you start spreading fluids, maybe you ought to take a look at this,” Howard said, holding up a jury-rigged looking device. It was blocky and trailing tubes and wires. “AIM never builds anything without a shut-off switch. One twitch, and I shut down that thing’s central cortex and trap you in a hunk of dead meat.”

“You-” The Red Rajah paused, head cocked. “Crap.”

“Yeah. Like I said, no fight.” Howard chuckled. “You put this whole deal together, but we gave it a few tweaks. Prophecies are awful specific, especially the little ones. You set it up so the right body would come to you, but instead of jumping into it, you took a rental.”

The Red Rajah was silent. Then, “I suppose that one is on the escape pod as well?”

Howard tapped his beak. The Red Rajah sighed. “And we both know my LOVEjones isn’t going to work on you. So, really, my only option at this point is to strangle you with my own two hands!” A fat spark of energy leapt from his palm, knocking the device from Howard’s hand. Howard ducked as the Red Rajah lunged for him.

“Kid! Now!”

A beam of pure null-energy punched through the Red Rajah’s chest, carrying the Star of Capistan with it. The Auditor crashed to the ground, off line. Aquarian, his palm pressed to the bloody hole in his chest, had risen to his knees. As he slumped, Howard caught him.

Crap! Crap! CrapcrapcrapCRAP! You’re dead, duck! When I find a host-

The Star rolled across the floor and bounced off the foot of Shaun, who looked down at it. Howard wrapped his coat around Aquarian’s mid-section. “There we go.” He looked at Shaun. “Pick it up, big guy.”

Wait, what? You’re seriously going to let me-

“Quiet, you. Pick it up.”

“Howard,” Aquarian began. Howard put a hand on his shoulder.

“Easy kid. I know what I’m doing.”

Shaun stooped and picked up the Star. It flashed with eagerness.

Perfect. The Chosen Vessel. The perfect host from which to spread the LOVE. You’re done, duck. The prophecy is fulfilled!

“Yeah. About that,” Howard said. Shaun shoved the Star into his eye socket. The Mindless One twitched and its gray skin became a deep crimson. It raised its arms.

I-I can’t-what is this? What did you do? I can’t-

“Doc figured it out after your last run-in,” Howard said, crouching slightly. “He back-tracked your history, hunting your trail back through time and space. He figured out where you came from. Why you spout that crap about love.” Howard crooked his fingers. “You’re a like a tranquilizer. Created to control one of the most violent species in existence. And when someone decided that they wanted that species for a biological weapon, they chucked you into our dimension.”

The Mindless One hunched, clutching at its head. Its skin rippled like glass under sunlight. Howard pressed on, relentless.
“You’re mystic toxic waste. Excess matter. And Doc allowed you to set this gig up so that we could get you into a position to go home. Residual memories made you choose a Mindless One for a host. Because, hey, ‘mindless’ right?” Howard gestured. “Only they ain’t. They’re a hive mind. Vicious, psychopathic, and dumb as a million bricks, but a hive mind. And you’re a part of it.”

No. No!

The Mindless One staggered upright, groping blindly. Howard gestured again, sharply. Light emenated from his hands.
“Yes. Time to go home, pal. It was fun, but play-time is over. Go spread the good word among your own people,” Howard said, sweeping his arms aside. He spat a string of garbled syllables and the world curled in on itself just behind the Mindless One. Strands of reality reached out, snagging the chunky limbs.

No! I can’t go back! Please!

“Sorry.” Howard brought his hands together.

But it’s so BORRRRRRRINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG*

Reality blossomed into nightmare, opening into a wound full of empty sky and floating islands and HATE. And Howard forced LOVE back into it. Cosmic lightning shrieked and Tombo froze, then…

Tombo belched.

Howard lowered his hands and gave a puff on his cigar. He sighed. “Well. That’s done.”

“I see an island,” Aquarian said, weakly. He coughed, and Howard squatted beside him.

“Yeah. How about that?” Howard said. He looked out through the hole. Monster Island was growing larger on the horizon.

“Where are the others?” Aquarian asked. Howard waved a hand.

“Escape pod, like I said. Connected by a cable to the big guy here. When we make landfall, we’ll see ‘em.”

“Howard, I’m sorry for what-”

“Don’t worry about it kid.” Howard chewed on his cigar. “It was fate.” He sat down, legs hanging over the edge, the sea air caressing his feathers.

“What now?” Aquarian said. His body was already healing itself. He looked at his bloody hands.

“Now? Now we take a vacation,” Howard said, lacing his fingers behind his head. “Strange owes us that much. Relax kid. It’s gravy from here-”

Something roared from the shore of the island. Tombo bellowed in reply, shaking train trestle fists. As the two creatures roared at each other, other inhabitants of the island took up the call, shaking the very ocean with their cries.

“Crap,” Howard said.