Archangel

Psylocke

Colossus

A gathering audience of teenagers scream "shout outs to my peeps!" Their mouths produce sounds of love for their favorite musicians and performers, holding up giant signs, gathering outside the MTV Studios. The crowd consists of trendy "punks," wannabe "thugs," and teeny-boppers in general. They all stand before a large stage where returning host Carson Daly stands.

"Welcome back to this special edition of TRL," says Daly. "This has been a great week, returning to the show alongside my temporary co-host, Roni Santiago, whom you all know as Diode of X-Corp! But sadly, all good things must come to an e—"

Carson finds that his words are drowned out by screams from the young onlookers and he looks off to see Diode crowd-surfing across them until she winds up at the stage, laughing hysterically. The sudden momentum from the crowd causes her to nearly fall flat as she ends up on the stage. She wobbles a bit, but composes herself, and grabs a microphone from a stagehand and screams into the mic, "whoever just grabbed my [expletive deleted], you gave me a boner of epic proportions!"

She starts to headbang and the audience goes wild, while Carson is left standing there somewhat unsure of himself. He notices the crowd pays no attention to him and doesn't even seem to acknowledge his presence on the show, and he feels tears beginning to form behind his eyes, but holds them back. He glances offstage and sees the two regular hosts of TRL walk on-stage. They both have huge smiles on their faces and start to spread their arms to hug, and Carson smiles as well. He walks up to them, preparing to hug them, but they walk right past him.

Diode stands facing, counting how many "SHOW US YOUR BOOBS" signs she sees, not even noticing the return of the regular hosts.

"YOU WANNA SEE THE LATIN TWINS?!" she exclaims. Shouts of approval follow, and Diode begins to unbutton her shirt, when she notices the two hosts as well. She turns away from the audience and embraces them both in a hug. The female host takes the mic and speaks into it.

"Roni, it's been simply amazing having you on the show, and we're all extremely sorry to see you go," she says. "However, we and the viewers understand how very important your mutant activist work with X-Corp is, and we all appreciate the work you're doing to bring about mutant equality."

The kids in the audience, all psyched up about mutant equality since it's become the latest trend, cheer at the host's words. Cyclops and Wolverine blow-up dolls are tossed throughout the crowd. The male host steps up with his mic.

"This going away party has been a blast... except for that loser who brought the bogus potato salad that gave everyone gas," he says. Off to the side, Carson swallows hard and stretches out his collar. "But we have one more surprise for you, Roni..."

Diode covers her eyes and peeks through a crack in her fingers as the Foo Fighters' song, "There Goes My Hero," begins to blare over the speakers. On the monitors set up on-stage, a montage of Diode fighting villains as a member of X-Corp, running down the beach in a bikini, and playing tricks on Carson Daly plays over the screen. Diode chokes back tears, until she notices the actual Foo Fighters come onto the stage. They wave modestly at the audience, and Diode screams out like a teeny-bopper before spear-tackling Dave Grohl.

On a television set in a New York penthouse suite, John Allerdyce and Jennifer Walters sit down to a candlelit dinner while they watch Diode's performance on TRL. Diode is prancing around a fallen Dave Grohl with her
hands out in front of her and her tongue hanging out like a puppy. She lets out a few high-pitched "arf arfs!" and then starts biting at his shirt, trying to pull it off.

{{"What do you plan to do now that your tenure on TRL has come to an end?"}}

Diode picks up the mic to offer her reply.

{{"Well... I've given it a lot of thought... and I'm going to go on tour with the Foo Fighters as their full-time dominatrix sex roadie!!"}}

The audience erupts with cheers and the cameraman cuts to Carson Daly, who's preparing to hang himself from the stage lights. Pyro picks up the remote control and turns off the television set, focusing his attention on the She-Hulk.

"...is this really what the nation's youth is exposed to on a daily basis?" she asks.

"Ah, it's all in good fun, luv," replies Pyro, grinning the entire time, his sunglasses concealing his eyes. "But let's focus on this wonderful dinner of ours..."

"Yes... wonderful..." says Jennifer, lightly picking at the take-out Chinese food Pyro has attempted to pass off as a romantic dinner.

"Y'know Jen... I've always respected you," says Pyro. "Even when I was a terrorist, I always thought, 'man, if only I could get me arse kicked by the She-Hulk.'"

"That's... very kind..."

"See, it's all about respect in this world, luv," says Pyro. "You have a lot of respect, and rightly so. You're not only an alum of the Avengers and the Fantastic Four, but you're also a lawyer—and quite a striking one, I might add. I gained notoreity as a terrorist, but I've recently begun to build up my own respect. That's why I joined the X-Men to begin with, wanted to turn my life around. Then came the return of my writing career, an' now, X-Corp. I'm doing my part to become a contributing member of society. All of us at X-Corp are, we're all working for a better world. So when this lawsuit comes along..."

Jennifer sighs and rubs her forehead, visibly annoyed as she lifts her wine glass. She is about to sip it, but then a thought enters her head, and she lightly smells the wine. After determining that it's safe, she takes a little taste of it.

"Well, this lawsuit is very important, Mr. Allerdyce," says Jennifer.

"Please luv, no need to be so formal," says Pyro. "Call me John."

"Well John, we're heroes, and we're supposed to set an example," says Jennifer. "What kind of example does X-Corp send when you prevent any bad press from getting out?"

"It's got nothing to do with that, but ours is a very sensitive operation," says John. "And such a large-scale lawsuit like this... why, it has a tendency to discredit not only my organization, but the push for mutant rights as a whole."

"Cut to the chase, Pyro."

"I want you to drop the lawsuit."

"That's not going to happen," replies Jennifer. "I'm standing my ground, and no amount of orange chicken is going to change my mind."

"Oh... but there's more..." says Pyro as his hand slips beneath the table. He rubs Jennifer's leg, slowly moving his hand beneath her skirt. "I could do certain... favors for you. Favors that many women would die for..."

At this, the She-Hulk slams her fist through the table and grabs Pyro's wrist. She lifts him up by it, twisting his wrist almost to the point of breaking it. Pyro cries out in pain.

"You're even worse than that scumbag, Gemas!" she screams. She hurls him against the ground before continuing to speak. "Get the hell out of here right now before I beat the Australian out of you and that cheap cologne you bathed in before coming here!"

Pyro pulls himself to his feet and dusts himself off. He removes his sunglasses, wipes them with his handkerchief, and places them back on. He raises his hand to his earpiece and says, "abort Plan A. Move to Plan B immediately!"

She-Hulk raises her eyebrow once she hears Pyro's words. Before she can asks what he means or who he's talking to, a figure comes crashing through the wall with a deafening roar. She-Hulk turns her attention to the wall, and Pyro bites his lip, throws up the rocker symbol, and starts to headbang.

Standing in the rubble is Maggott, his skin a pale blue, and his body completely bulked up. He wears nothing but a pair of speedoes, a bowtie, and his Blue Blocker sunglasses. He flexes and then jumps inside the room and starts doing pelvic thrusts towards She-Hulk.

"OHHHHH YEAH!!!" he screams at the top of his lungs.

She-Hulk's jaw practically drops to the ground. She rubs her eyes and turns to Pyro, stepping up to him. She recoils her fist and Pyro quickly brings up his hands to stop her.

"Wait wait!" he exclaims. She hesitates for a moment and Pyro removes his sunglasses and places them in his pocket. Then he looks at her and says, "Alright, go ahead..."

The ding of a bell comes as the elevator arrives at the top floor of the X-Corp building. Pyro limps out of the elevator, bruised, battered, and hung-over, a pair of sunglasses covering his black eyes. As he approaches, Sandi looks up at him and smiles.

"Morning Mr. Allerdyce," she says. "How did 'Operation: Bone the Jolly Green Giant' go?"

"Oh bloody sod off..." he mutters as he walks towards the boardroom.

"Hey Pyro!"

He stops and tries to turn his head, but feels an immense degree of pain, so doesn't bother turning his head at all. Maggott walks up to him, grinning and looks him over.

"Hey, it could've been worse," he says.

"...you are so lucky I don't have the strength to use my lighter..."

Maggott opens the doors to the boardroom for him and Pyro limps in first. Archangel, Psylocke, and Xorn are already sitting there. Psylocke and Xorn gasp slightly when they see Pyro's condition, but Archangel simply shakes his head.

"I knew I should have called Gambit in for that mission..." he mutters. "I told him I was going to call Gambit in. Gambit has charm powers. But does he listen? No, he says he's ten times the man Gambit is and that he coudl charm the pants off Mother Theresa."

"Worthington..." mutters Pyro as he plops down in his chair. "I would flick you off right now, but the doctors say it'll be another few days before I regain full motor control of my fingers."

"Where are Diode and Colossus?" asks Maggott. "We need to get this meeting overwith so we can get down to our first Supreme Court hearing."

"PR department was able to get Colossus into some charity event before the hearing," replies Archangel. "Which is good, because we need all the positive coverage we can get. As for Diode..."

The doors to the boardroom swing open and Diode strolls in, singing "There Goes My Hero," very off-key. Her clothes are ravaged, her panties are outside her pants, her hair is a mess, and she has hickies lining her neck.

"Roni?" asks Xorn. "I'm getting some very odd... readings off of your... ah... visage."

"I'll say," notes Pyro. "What happened to you, luv?"

Diode smiles before proudly replying with, "I made the Foo Fighters my love bitches and even popped a few anal cherries."

The Foo Fighters crawl inside the boardroom, kissing the ground she walked on, and gather at her feet, praising her. Diode begins kicking at them and then shouts, "NOT WHILE I'M AT WORK, DOUCHE SNAPPERS!!"

The Foo Fighters retreat like spurrned puppies and leave the boardroom. Diode scoffs and takes her seat beside Maggott.

"Honestly..." she says. "Some people don't know a fling when it takes a strap-on and..."

"Ahem... umm..." mutters Maggott, feeling very uncomfortable.

"Aww, sorry Hugh, am I giving you blue balls?" asks Diode. She looks at the rest of the group. "Heh... get it? Blue balls...? Okay, I know that was a little obvious..."

"Ugh..." mutters Psylocke. "Even Jubilee knew there was a line..."

"Let's just hope Peter's charity event is going better than Diode's S&M fest with the Foo Fighters," says Archangel.

"I'm An Ass Man" blares across the stadium speakers. Wrestling fans cheer and hold up huge signs as pyrotechnics explode at the end of a large walkway. Colossus steps out backwards, fully armored up and wearing nothing but a red speedo. He shakes his butt at the crowd and the cameras, a yellow hammer over one cheek and a yellow sickle over another. He spins around and a large, black and gold X is seen on the groin of the speedo. Shadowcat rises up from the ground, dressed in a skimpy school girl's blouse and skirt. She solidifies and links arms with Colossus, escorting him to the stage.

Stationed behind the wrestling ring is the announcer's stand, where JR, the King, and Vince McMahon are on the mics.

"If there's one thing I can't stand, it's mutant commies," says Vince. "Not only are they freaks of nature, but they're economic retards to boot!"

"Now now Vince, mutants are the next stage in human evolution," says JR. "Yer just pissed because you still haven't even reached human evolution yet."

"Yeah McMahon, and communism was a good idea," says the King. "...on paper!"

"Ah, hockey posh and bull's water," says Vince. "Here comes a real American capitalist hero!"

The words, "if ya smeeeeeeeell.... what the Rock... is cookin'..." blare across the speakers. Stomping out from backstage and onto the walkway, wearing a leather vest and a blue speedo with a giant white 4 on the groin, plus a pair of $500 dollar sunglasses, is Colossus' opponent—none other than the Fantastic Four's very own blue-eyed Thing. He raises his arms in the air and the cheers of the crowd grow louder. He glances to the stage and sees Colossus taunting him and grits his teeth. Taking off his sunglasses, he tosses them into the crowd and then charges into the ring.

The Thing throws the first punch, but Colossus grabs his arm and twists it behind his back. He wraps his arm around the Thing's neck while keeping his arm pinned. He throws the Thing against the ropes and then slams his fist against the Thing's face when he flies back at him.

The Thing recoils slightly and stomps on the ring, sending shockwaves that cause Colossus to lose his balance. The Thing grabs Colossus by the arm and flings him onto the ground. While Colossus lays there, the Thing bodyslams him.

The ref forces them to break it up and Colossus gets back up. Thing charges him and Colossus goes low, wrapping his arms around the Thing's torso and lifting him him up, then slamming him down. The Thing lays there for a moment and Colossus raises his arms, cheers erupting from the audience.

"I've had it with this crap..." mutters Vince as he gets up from the announcer's chair. He approaches the ring and sneaks up behind Colossus. He kneels down behind the metal mutant's legs and drives his fist into Colossus' groin, hoping to stun him. Instead, with a large CLANG, Vince cries out in pain as his hand is injured. Colossus turns slowly and looks at him, then smiles as he lifts Vince up by the neck.

The theme song of the wrestler Kane plays across the auditorium as Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, flies into the stadium. He holds a flaming chair in his hands and flies into the ring, slamming it against Colossus, who drops Vince and falls to the ground. Vince tries to scamper away to safety, but Shadowcat suddenly rises above the ring directly in front of him, shaking her finger. She solidifies and bodyslams him.

The Thing recovers and he and the Human Torch corner Colossus, surrounding him from both sides. The Thing rushes in and holds Colossus down as the Human Torch increases his flames. Neither of them notices the figure in the shadows, holding a red fire extinguisher, before it's too late.

With a BAMF sound, a flash of light, and the stench of brimstone, Nightcrawler appears in the ring, dressed in his classic red and black costume, and turns the fire extinguisher on Johnny. The Torch, in surprise, tries to fly away, but his flames quickly die down. The Thing tosses Colossus to the side and tries to get the drop on Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler teleports behind him, and clocks him in the back of the head with the fire extinguisher. Colossus gets up. He high-fives Nightcrawler and the two old friends bump butts, then turn to take on the Thing and the Human Torch together.

"Thank you for asking me to participate in this event with you, Peter," says Nightcrawler as the two friends dress in the locker room following the match. "Reminds me of the good old days, back when we were both with the X-Men, or even our time with Excalibur."

"Da, much has changed since then," says Colossus. "Your service for the Vatican, your time with the Defenders. My period with the Exiles."

"And now I am an X-Man once more while you are with X-Corp," says Nightcrawler. "We haven't had the chance to sit down and talk in quite some time."

"We will have to make time, then," says Colossus. "As Logan would say, we have a lot of brew to swig."

"That we do," says Nightcrawler. "I would very much like that."

The form of Kitty Pryde rises from the ground, her hand covering her eyes, dressed in street clothes.

"Are your winkies showing?" she asks. Kurt and Peter exchange glances and then laugh.

"It's quite alright, Kitty, we're decent," replies Kurt. Kitty lets out a breath of relief and removes her hand from her eyes.

"Tell us, how are things with X-Force?" asks Colossus.

"Very hush hush, I can't really say much more about it besides that," replies Kitty. "You know how it is with these government types, everything is super classified."

"How is your love life?" asks Kurt.

"Umm... it's definitely not dull," replies Kitty. Peter and Kurt both raise their eyebrows in response to her words, but before they can go into further detail, Archangel enters the locker room with Vince McMahon.

"I gotta tell you, Warren, this was a great idea!" says Vince. "The ratings are gonna be through the roof, we gotta talk more about some sort of mutant wrestling league with X-Corp's sponsorship!"

"We will, Vince, we will," says Warren. He shakes Vince's hand. "But we'll discuss it at the next racquetball game against Eric Williams and Mephisto. Right now, I have to have a word with Peter, though."

"Definitely," says Vince. "We'll talk soon."

"Sorry to break up the reunion guys," says Warren as he approaches the three old friends.

"It's okay," says Kitty. "I actually should be getting back to the X-Force offices."

"Yes, and I have to return to the mansion," says Kurt.

"Give Scott and Jean my regards," says Warren.

"I will," says Kurt. "And give Betsy mine."

Kurt teleports out of the room and Kitty drops down through the ground, leaving Warren and Peter alone. Warren glances down at Peter and notices something hanging out from Peter's boxer shorts.

"Umm... hurry up and get dressed," says Warren, nervously. "We have to get down to the Supreme Court."

Warren turns away and then walks towards the door. He opens it, but before he walks out, he glances back at Colossus.

"What are you doing in here, anyway?" asks Warren . "I wasn't aware that animals cared about hygiene."

"Whatsamatter, you ashamed o' yer shortcomings, flyboy?" asks Sabretooth with a grin across his face. "Don't worry, I'm sure it's jus' the cold air."

The serial killer laughs before walking out the door.

"Ignore him," says Pyro. "It's not that bad, mate."

Warren turns his attention back to the shower, trying to block out thoughts of Sabretooth being dipped in scalding oil. His head snaps back up, and he looks at Pyro.

"What?!"

Colossus notices Warren's stare, and he glances down at his shorts. Noticing what has happened he quickly adjusts himself, his face turning red.

"I need a shot..." mutters Warren as he leaves the locker room.

The Present

"It really isn't that bad..." says Psylocke as she massages Warren's shoulders. "I mean... the wings more than make up for it..."

Warren cranes his neck to sneer at her, and he lifts his hand up and flicks her multicolored hair. Betsy smacks him on the shoulder and then takes a seat beside him.

"Hmph..." she mutters.

"They just announced the justices are returning from their deliberation," says Warren. "Now where the hell is that lawyer?"

The best attorney money can buy sneaks into the courtroom and takes his seat beside Warren and Betsy. He has lipstick all over his collar and neck, his suit in a bit of a mess.

"Whoo boy... Latino heat that Roni is... lemme tell you..." he says. He eyes Psylocke up and down and then says, "You don't know what you were missing."

Betsy prepares to lunge at him, but Warren holds her back.

"All rise!" exclaims a bailiff. The entire courtroom stands as the justices return and take their seats. The courtroom follows their example.

"In the matter of The People v. X-Corp, we have reached our decision..."

Before the justice can read off the Court's ruling, something crashes through the wall. Maggott leaps on the table Warren and Betsy are sitting at and cries out, "OH YEAH!" while doing crotch-thrusts.

Standing amidst the rubble is a fifteen foot robot with Bill Gemas in the pilot's seat. Behind him are his followers, the Exterminators. Gemas still wears his neck brace.

"Medical fraud can get you just about anything, so insurance fraud can suck it!" he exclaims. The massive robot fires an energy blast at the defendant's table, and X-Corp scatters. Their lawyer, however, is caught in the blast.

"IF THE GLOVE DON'T FIT YOU MUST ACQUIT!" he screams moments before his body is reduced to ashes.

"Security, open fire!" orders one of the judges.

"Guns aren't going to work on those things!" exclaims Psylocke. "Turn off the power dampeners so we can do our job!"

"What should we do?" asks one of the justices. "Should we vote on it, first?"

"Oh shut up!" exclaims another. "Turn off the dampeners now!"

With the dampeners shut off, X-Corp and She-Hulk form together against Gemas and the Exterminators.

"Well maats, what's the count?" asks Maggott as he bulks up, tearing his suit, his skin turning blue. "Think we can take 'em?"

Colossus armors up and steps forward with a grin before cracking his knuckles.

"I believe the correct term is, 'it's clobbering time.'"

"Amen t' that," says Pyro with a grin as the ash on the end of his cigarette begins to form into a large fireball.

"TO GEMAS!"

Glasses clink together as X-Corp, along with Ben and Pyro's two stoner friends, toast their newfound victory in Pyro's strip club.

"Gemas carted off by SHIELD..." begins Warren.

"...and no doubt being made into someone's butt monkey as we speak," interjects Diode.

"...and the Supreme Court ruling in our favor after realizing Gemas is precisely the reason why we should be able to silence our own employees," he finishes.

"What I love most is Betsy's little psychic suggestion," says Pyro with a grin.

"What was that?" asks Colossus.

"Just my little way of enacting some vengeance against the judge who felt they should vote on turning off the power dampeners," replies Psylocke.

"How so?" asks Colossus.

"Every time he hears the words 'all rise' when entering a courtroom, he gets a stiffy," replies Pyro with a grin.

After the laughter that follows begins to die down, Maggott glances around the room.

"Hey, anyone know where Xorn is?"

In a lonely alley, Xorn sits in the same spot he was in when he flash-fried the stripper and the men she wanted to use to beat Xorn. He mourns their passing, the loss of their lives... and something else. His naivity, perhaps? His innocence?

"Hey there, big guy," comes a soft, feminine voice. "You look like one of those punk rockers."

Xorn turns his attention towards the hooker who enters the alley. She smiles at him and says, "you looking for a good time?"

Xorn stands up and nods.

"I know just the place," she says.

A few days later, news would hit the media on the brutal and mysterious rape and death of a low class prostitute in a Los Angeles hotel...

X-CORP MEMO

They say you can't go home again.

That's one of the things I was worried about when Cory asked me if I wanted to co-write a guest-arc of X-Corp with him. After all, I wrote X-Men Omega from issue #1 all the way up through issue #50 (with Brad co-writing issues #21-36)—not to mention the issues of the title when it was called just plain X-Men and the annuals. It's been over a year since I wrote X-Men Omega #50 (actually longer, since I actually finished #50 months before issue #37 was even released). After all those issues, did I really have something else to say? After so much time had passed, could I still get a feel for the characters?

What happened was this: Cory first asked me if I wanted to participate on this arc with him back in... oh hell if I can remember, but it was awhile ago. You can trust me on that. I knew Brad was going to be devoting more time to the artwork of a graphic novel called Perception (and I should... after all, I'm the one who wrote the thing and asked him to provide the artwork... which, I should add, looks freaking amazing). What Cory told me is that Brad was going to take some time off from X-Corp and he asked me if I wanted to co-write a fill-in story-arc with him. Despite my reservations, I thought it would be an interesting chance to get back to the title I wrote for over fifty issues.

Brad's done a lot of great work with this book since my departure, and he's turned it into something so much more than X-Men: The Second Stringers (which is basically what X-Men Omega was, that was the whole purpose behind it). He took Archangel, who was something of a background character in my run, and brought him to the forefront as the leader. He also did the impossible and made Maggott an interesting character. He's also done a lot of great things with the other cast members, from new members like Xorn and Diode, to the "old school" members like Psylocke and Pyro.

I loved the chance to get back to writing some of these characters, Pyro in particular. As he's in a unique situation here at M2K, I've never really had the chance to write him anywhere else (whereas I've gotten the chance to write Psylocke, Xorn, Colossus, Maggott, and Archangel). It was also a bit of a challenge to write Diode, since I know I can never nail her as well as Brad does. I did the best I could, and I'm pleased with the results.

And, of course, gotta thank Cory for coming up with a story-arc that was filled with off-the-wall humor and balanced well with some interesting characterization. It was a bit different from the "gloom and doom" tone my run on the book seemed to have, and it was a bit refreshing. Pretty much all the jokes you've read in this arc were contributed by Cory.

We had a lot of setbacks on this three-issue arc, and both Cory and myself are to blame for that. But hey, at least we got it finished. Who knows, maybe Brad will invite us back on to do something else with this title in the future.

I guess sometimes, you can go home again.

-Dino Pollard
October 24th, 2004